throw back

Lisa, the goddess mother, and I went to dinner and got a gift for tomorrow's baptism. She told me how she and her friend laughed at the Pampers letter I wrote for KC when Sean was a kid and it reminded me of the letter I wrote to Meier's when I lived in Indiana. As quirky as it is, they sent me many coupons, including one for a free cheese cake, all because of my words. Here they are:


Meijer Inc
Attn: Quality Assurance
2929 Walker NW
Grand Rapids MI  49544

Dear Quality Assurance Team,

I’m writing in regards to a fascinatiing batch of Meijer’s Buttermilk Layered Biscuits purchased at the Jeffersonville, Indiana store on February 13tth, 2005. I’m a single lad with not much potential of finding myself a gorgeous woman to celebrate Valentine’s Day with, so every year, the day before this romantic holiday, I make myself a nice dinner to eat while watching football. Yesterday, I watched more basketball, however, and then the Grammy’s came on, so watching football is a bit of an exagerration -- I did, though, make my special pre-Valentine’s day dinner.

The meal was to consist of chicken and gravy, potatoes, carrots and the Meijer’s Buttermilk Layered Buscuits, but the biscuit part didn’t work out too well. I’ve never bought biscuits in my life, so this was my first attempt -- I’m getting better at cooking this pre-Valentine’s Day lonely bachelor meal because every year I get older, the likelihood I’ll be cooking for myself for the majority of my life, becomes more obvious. I’m actually getting pretty good at cooking, and now can make Chili, Roast Pork and other specialties in my bachelor crockpot. I’m becoming so proficient, in fact, that I often cook whole meals for Sudanese Refugees who, orphaned at a young age, traveled years in the desert, only to find their way, ten years later, to the United States to eat such weekend meals at my house. They like my cooking, and they too, are without Valentine’s Day lovers, so it’s become a ritual for them to eat at my house on Sundays. I’m becoming a crock pot genius and they don’t mind the free food.

Yet, this previous sunday, yesterday, we had to go without my first attempt at biscuits because something round, white, globular and chunky fell out of the biscuit dough. The Sudanese men looked at it in hopes of an American explanation, but I did not know what to tell them. It seemed as if it arrived from Ork, as it looks sort of like the Egg Robin Williams traveled in when he played Mork on Mork and Mindy. I told the African guys that it looked like someone at the Grand Rapids, Michigan, distributing plant had hacked up a phlegmball or passed a kidney stone. It is a clever looking mass of something, and I send it back to you today for your records. Perhaps you keep track of such interesting finds in a museum.

I am sending the container, the hunk of wax-like plastic, and the receipt (if I can find it) for your display. I’m a big fan of Meijer’s Groceries (Go Meijers! Woot Woot! Go Meijers) but understand that your company would like to be informed of such occurences. I know your the type of organization which likes to take care of business and see that customers are satisfied. Although I am thrilled to have the ivory-gob-pre-Valentine’s-bachelor-party story for future reference, I’m not quite satisfied with the discovery of this lumpy nugget in my Meijer’s Buttermilk Layered Biscuits container.

Sincerely,

Bryan R. Crandall